Torturing myself

This week has, in my opinion, been far more torturous than all the previous weeks in this IVF cycle combined. The week after the retrieval was kind of aggravating, but I knew the wait was worth it so that we could transfer the embryos that were the "best of the best." The week after transfer was annoying as I analyzed every little twist and turn I made with my body, wondering "Did I just lift something too heavy or make a turn that could harm a possible baby, or (fill in the blank)?"

This week, however is just plain torturous. Knowing that I'm pregnant, but not experiencing any symptoms has been absolutely driving me insane. Every time I feel the slightest bit of wetness in my underwear, I'm rushing to the bathroom to make sure it's not blood. Every time my bbs stop hurting for part of the day, I convince myself that I'm no longer pregnant (like I'm doing right now). To be perfectly honest, I had been feeling more symptoms (maybe they were all psychosomatic?) early on than I do now. I swore I was having indigestion, bloatiness, crampiness, sore bbs & mild nausea, but honestly I'm feeling fine. No fatigue. No morning sickness. No ANYTHING...

What will I do tomorrow if we get to the u/s and there's NOTHING there? THIS is what infertility has done to me...

4w6d

Today, I'm officially 4w6d & anxiously awaiting Tuesday (5w1d) when we have our first ultrasound. Hopefully we'll see one or two beautiful yolk sacs & maybe even a heartbeat or two!

In the week since we've learned we were FINALLY pregnant, we've only told Becki, our parents, my brother, 4 of G's sisters and one of his friends. It's been REALLY hard keeping it a secret, but we really don't want to tell anyone anything that we'll have to retract later, so we're at least trying to hold out until after Tuesday anyway. After then, I'll feel a little more assured about this whole pregnancy thing, especially if we see a heartbeat.

As far as symptoms are concerned, I've basically had none. I've been downing water like there's no tomorrow (probably at least 5 bottles a day, if not more), but that's more of a self-imposed thing because I know that I don't normally drink enough. I had some slight cramping earlier in the week (around 4w3d) & the ever-so-slightest peach tinge on the TP the next day, but it was just once & after I downed some water, both went away. I haven't had any morning sickness yet & just the slightest tenderness in my bbs (TMI, I know). I know that this is like a double-edged sword, but I'd almost welcome some morning sickness just to make me feel like I really am pregnant.

Right now, according to "What to Expect When You're Expecting" (WTEWYE), the baby(ies) is now the size of a sesame seed! It has a head & a heart & the extremities are starting to form! According to G, it basically looks like a little shrimp! Click here to read what BabyCenter has to say about the 4w milestone!

My favorite part of being PG so far is having G take such good care of me. Not that he didn't take good care of me before, but it's just the little things, like insisting that I not carry in the groceries or the little hugs and kisses he steals and whispers "mama" in my ear :) LOVE IT! I especially loved when he started reading to our little one(s)...Harry Potter, his favorite!

Your Thoughts?

As I'm sure you realize, we are far from being out-of-the woods, as far as this baby (or these babies) are concerned. I'm feeling great & so far, have no symptoms (I think I should be considered 4w5d today) & our 1st u/s is scheduled for Tuesday to see what we can see in there. We're VERY excited, but VERY cautiously optimistic at the same time.

But, regardless of what happens, I need some input from my readers concerning the direction you would like to see this blog take now, particularly those of you who are still in the trenches of infertility. Of course the name of the blog will not change, as I will always remain infertile; however I also remember what it feels like to be one of the ones who is "left behind." I remember how much it hurt and how I felt so certain that my dream to be a mommy would never be realized and I would forever be left behind. I couldn't live with myself knowing that this blog has made someone (especially another infertile) hurt and feel the same way.

At the same time, however, I know that when I was hurting, I did take comfort in knowing that even though these women had struggled and hurt just like I did, they somehow found joy again and eventually saw their dreams come to fruition. Whether it be through adoption like my bloggy buddy Melissa, or adoption & then a surprise pregnancy like my buddy Missy, and the countless other blogs (miracle stories) I follow in my sidebar and in my profile, I have learned that there are many roads that could lead you to the end of your journey.

So here is where I need your help. Where would you like this blog to go? Obviously, I'm not going to be spouting off about my woes of pg symptoms (because I remember how many times I saw other girls complaining and I thought about how I'd give my right arm for their morning sickness and round-ligament pain), but I also know the reality that it would be very hard not to talk about a pregnancy at all...and I don't want to lose any of you as readers, so I would greatly appreciate an email or comments about the new path that this blog will take.

Thank you for your continued prayers!

Wordless Wednesday

(If you're my friend on FB, don't mention anything there, please! We're waiting to tell the rest of my family (more than just parents) for a couple of weeks.)